


In This River

by alexus



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 20:07:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14626095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexus/pseuds/alexus
Summary: Just as a small tribute to two fallen Scoobies.





	In This River

**Author's Note:**

> Black Label Society owns the song. Joss owns everything else.

_I've been around this world, yet I see no end._  
_All shall fade to black again and again._  
_This storm that's broken me, my only friend._  
_Yeah_

 

_In this river all shall fade to black_  
_In this river ain't no coming back_  
_In this river all shall fade to black_  
_Ain't no coming back_

 

 

It doesn't seem right after all...

 

 

Death is her gift. It has always been. She is the Slayer. She's really used to the idea of leaving this world any time soon. She's already been there two times, and yet...

 

 

And yet it has always been someone else. Someone to get ahead of her. Someone to take the fatal blow. Jenny, Kendra, Tara, Anya, Spike... Lots of others. She still finds it hard to forgive the God Almighty for taking her mother away. Joyce's dead eyes haunt Buffy to this day. Even years after Sunnydale collapsed into that hellhole she still sees the faces of the young Potentials - ones she never got the chance to get acquinted with and those who weren't that lucky to survive the Final Fight.

 

 

Throughout the years Buffy Anne Summers learnt to come to terms with death. Being on the frontlines of the never-ending war between Good and Evil taught the longest living Slayer this simple truth: what's got to be has got to be. Every single day can be your freaking last - deal with it! She knows too damn well what it's like to lose someone she loves, to bury those she holds dear...    


 

 

But in spite of everything Buffy knows or accepts, there are certain things she finds almost impossible to live with. Even though she was always prepared for the worst, the loss of her two best and closest friends appeared to be the straw that broke camel's back...

 

_Withdrawn a step away, just to find my self_  
_The door is closed again, the only one left_  
_This storm that's broken me my only friend_  
_Yeah_

_In this river all shall fade to black_  
_In this river ain't no coming back_  
_In this river all shall fade to black_

_In this river all shall fade to black_  
_In this river ain't no coming back_  
_In this river all shall fade to black_  
_Ain't no coming back_

 

 

Willow and Xander... Lots of words can be said, but there are no words to describe how much the lovely girl and a goofy boy, who befriended Buffy on the very first day in Sunnydale High and continued to be there for her 'til the very end, meant to the Slayer. For years both stood by Buffy's side no matter what. They helped her in dealing with constant dangers and horrors unimaginable - the ones she was destined to face on her own. They stood by Buffy and her cause despite their own fears, weaknesses, flaws or insecurities. Despite countless near-death experiences and lack of slayer healing. Despite Council's objections and Buffy's somewhat shitty attitude. They could walk away mind their own business, live their lives the way they wanted, yet they chose to stick with a Slayer...  

 

 

Buffy is well aware she will never completely get over such terrible loss. It was one thing to keep fighting the good fight knowing that two of her best and closest friends, the part of her in some way were still around. It was another thing to carry on after Xander and Willow were gone, when there'll be no laughter, no friendly advices or inspirational speeches, no friendly sit-downs, no researching, patrolling or travelling together. Buffy misses them dearly: the looks in their eyes and the sound of their voices. Willow chanting spells and Xander making some jokes - those images will stay with her until her very last breath...  


 

 

Buffy is brave, strong-willed and self-sufficient. She stopped countless Apocalypses and defeated countless Big Bads. Yet she feels incomplete. She cannot imagine her world without Willow and Xander. They were beside her for far too long - so long in fact that sometimes it was really hard for the heroine not to give in to temptation and take the small Wicca and her best bud since kindergarden for granted. On some occasions it was hard not to view them as permanent side-kicks... When you have a history with other people there's always a possibillity for you to omit the fact that things may not stay this way forever.   

 

 

And now Buffy hates herself for her arrogance and stupidity. She hates herself for hurting them, not caring, for taking them for granted. For her blind belief that Xander Harris and Willow Rosenberg will watch almighty Buffy's back forever. She curses herself for not having enough time to say both of them what they meant to her and how much did she love her two best friends. She wants to tell them all of the things she keeps in mind and do it over and over again. Even though she understands she should have said everything back then...   

 

 

Her vision is blurred with tears. It's hard no to cry whenever she remembers someone who have that special place in her heart. It's even harder not to burst into tears, knowing how young they were, how many thing did they sacrifice for the cause. Buffy is sick and tired of all those 'what ifs", although she can't help but wonder: what would Xander's and Willow's lives be like if she had never came into their lives? They might have an ordinary life free of dangers and horrors, they could pursue their careers, even end up together. Buffy hates herself for negating her friends' possible happily ever-after... 

 

 

Deep down inside the Slayer understands that self-loathing is of little help. She knows the witch and the carpenter too good: the last thing both would want is seeing their best friend berating herself for something she couldn't either avoid or help... After all Xander and Willow fought beside her for many years. They loved her no matter what. They would never hate or blame her for something that was merely a price for resisting evil.

 

 

There are days when this knowledge brings Buffy some sense of alleviation...

 

 

_In this river all shall fade to black_  
_In this river ain't no coming back_  
_In this river all shall fade to black_  
_In this river all shall fade to black_  
_In this river ain't no coming back_  
_In this river all shall fade to black_  
_Ain't no coming back_

The End.


End file.
